Sometimes I wonder why I’m such a loser. Why can’t I be more outgoing? Why do I have to get made fun of? Why can’t I be skinnier? Why can’t I feel confident about anything? Why can’t my family get along better? Why do we constantly have to worry about money? Why do my friends get to feel what it’s like to be loved by a significant other, and I don’t? 

I mean, I know life is unfair. I got that concept a long time ago. But it always seems like my family and I are ALWAYS getting the shit end of the stick. 

I made a promise to myself that when I have kids, they will not feel this thing that I have my whole life. It’s not fair to anyone. I will do everything in my power to make sure they know what it’s like to have a smile on their face and their heart. I will try my best to kick confidence in them. I will do everything I can because I want better for them. 

I’ve never been so broken that it hurts intensely when I breathe… I can sit and cry an ocean not knowing what to think. But today I stopped. I feel as though I’ve let you down and your love for me will fade, or change. And I can’t help but feel horrible for the mistakes that I have made, that I can’t remember, the regrets I have, and flaws you see. Everyone lives their lives differently, we all don’t see eye to eye, we all have our own fears, flaws, regrets, jokes, dreams, opinions etc. There are days people see or notice I wish they could forget… there will be days when you mess up and that’s all they choose to remember. Then unfortunately all the good times fade, and things change. I can say everything I am afraid of… and a lot of people wouldn’t believe me. I could write down a list of goals I know I will accomplish and people will doubt me. But that’s life… and I have been taught in many different ways, no one is perfect. And I can’t please everyone. There will always be someone I will let down, but I know now I can’t stress over that. As long as I’m being me, being honest to myself, and I know the truth… I will be happy. Things aren’t the same, explaining myself to you, trying to convince you that my feelings haven’t changed or wont seems different. I know how incredibly hard things will be or are getting… but I’m hoping we’ll get past this together like people do when times are tough. Sometimes I sit back and think I feel like you deserve better… Just know how truly bad I feel for making you feel so vile. I wish I could take it all away but I know this will take a little while. Saying the words I’m sorry just don’t seem like enough anymore, telling the truth… no one believes hurts. I know people will believe what they choose. And see me for what they want, not who I am. But try and remember what we had at one point… that’s all I am holding onto, and I’m hoping you are too.